Couples and families come to therapy for many reasons, but common themes emerge: people feel hurt or unloved, communication breaks down (arguing or ignoring or put-downs), and nobody feels heard.  Everything is communication, and that's one of the things we will talk about in therapy.  The looks you give each other, whether you smile when you greet each other, how your tone comes across, how often a promise is forgotten, hugging each other, and many more examples comprise ways of interacting.  The actual words you choose are only a fraction of how your message gets across, and the way you say them conveys so much more information.  When we feel hurt, it's easy to see our own struggles but more difficult to see the struggle we are in together.  When working with couples and families, I help people describe their own experience while also listening for the other person's experience.  I'll also support you in practicing awareness of what you and others are saying when you're not using words, so that you all communicate what you mean to (usually, that's love underneath the hurts).

People sometimes get into unbalanced relationship patterns.  Placing blame is not helpful, but it is often true that one person feels like they're trying harder to make things work.  One person does the majority of the emotional lifting, while the other feels overwhelmed, hopeless, or fed up.  Maybe each member feels like they're doing the most, trying their hardest, but still nothing seems to improve.  Therapy can help you gain a new vantage point of the issue, from which families and couples can better see how patterns began and continue, as well as illuminating other ways to respond.  Gifting the benefit of the doubt, leaps of faith, and acting first can help shake up old patterns.  Becoming aware of the difference between what we mean to say and how others interpret us may change interactions.  Acknowledging the hurts we caused, even if they were unintentional, can be soothing and allow others to feel safe acknowledging the hurts they have caused.

Every family unit, whether it's parents and kids or a couple, needs to feel like they matter in the family system.  We also need to hear an abundant amount of positive feedback to be able to connect to constructive feedback.  In other words, when people feel put-down, shamed, or constantly criticized, they're likely to go into a protective, shut-down mode and be unable to consider how they can positively influence the system.  Therapy encourages space for the other side of the problem, so we'll talk a lot about the hard work each member does, the unique characteristics of each member, and what your love is based in.  This will lead to more productive conversations and less conflict.